sunnuntai 30. elokuuta 2015

That autumn day

It was the first cold day of that autumn. All the trees were turning red – it was beautiful. Cold wind was blowing fallen leafs around. The sky was dark grey. You could smell the upcoming rain. On that very day I met the love of my life.
I was walking home from work. It was getting dark. The streetlamps were slowly switching on, one by one. I took a sip of my pumpkin-spiced latte. Wind was blowing and it made my cheeks turn red. I tightened my scarf. It was so silent.
I couldn't see a young man walking towards me until I almost hit him with my latte.
“Oh I'm so sorry sir, I couldn't see you there. I was looking at the trees. It's so beautiful, isn't it?”
The man looked at me with a grin on his face. He nodded slowly and looked at me in a way nobody had ever looked at me before.
“It is indeed beautiful. Maybe not as beautiful as those hazel eyes of yours”.
I blushed. Was he flirting with me? I took a sip of my coffee and opened my mouth to say something, but I soon closed it again when I realized I had no idea what to say. I laughed awkwardly.
“So you live around this area?” the man asked. I told him I lived about two blocks away. He offered to walk with me, and as entranced of his charm as I was, I let him walk with me. We talked about the weather and he told me about his dog, Moriarty, who just loves playing with the leafs.
When we came to my house, I looked into his green eyes and wondered, whether he would be the type of man I could date with.
“So this is it”, I said, “This is my house. It was very sweet of you to walk me home. Thank you for that”. The man looked at me with his kind eyes and gentle smile.
“It was my pleasure”, he replied with that cute little grin of his. I took a step towards the door. I hesitated of a moment before asking him if he wanted to go out sometime.
“I would love to”, he said. A big smile on my face I turned around and unlocked the door. I wished good night to him before going in. But it was then when I realized I didn't even know his name.
“Oh wait!” I shouted, “What's your name?”
He smiled and replied: “Lets keep that a secret”. I was a little confused, but decided to agree to that. I was just about to close the door when I realized I didn't have his number.
“Wait, wait!” I shouted, “I don't have your number”. The man grinned and started walking away. He shouted over his shoulder “Yeah you do. I slipped it to your pocket!”.

That night I went to sleep wondering who the man was. It was exiting not to know anything about him. Except for his dog. I thought about the dog and wondered what kind of dog it was. I wondered if the man had adopted him or if he had had the dog ever since he was a child. I fell asleep thinking about the man's gentle smile. I fell asleep thinking he was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was right.  

perjantai 2. tammikuuta 2015

Birthday

It was January once again. I was sitting in my room alone, as always. It was the 2nd. Friday. I was having such a normal day by myself. Watching my favourite television shows and eating chocolate. Still Christmas holidays. My school wouldn’t start until the 7th. I was just normally watching Sherlock Holmes when it hit me. It would be my birthday next Friday.
 I love the idea of being 17 after a week. But, you know, I don’t even have friends. I have no friends to celebrate it with. And that is depressing as hell. My sweet 16 was sadder than a Grimm brothers’ story. I invited my crush, but he didn’t come. So as a stupid I-will-make-him-jealous-tactic I invited another boy. The boy was obviously into me, but I though he was just cute.
We went out to eat. I mean me, the other boy and three other people from my class. I got a few gifts, nothing special. It was such a bad birthday actually. At night I ate some puppy-pictured cake with my parents, watching world was z (which was a terrible mistake)
In general, my birthdays have been depressive as hell. It was my last birthday party ever, when I turned nine. It was maybe the worst birthday ever. I had to invite all my classmates and uh… it didn’t end well. All the bitches in my class totally ruined the atmosphere. I was trying to have fun, but they were bossing around and… well, it was my last birthday party ever.
For a few (many) years I just invited one friend to come over. I was so sick of my life so young… It makes me sad when I think of my life. Until I turned 16, I celebrated my birthday with my best friend. I wanted to do something big on my sweet 16 birthday. It all collapsed already when my crush said no to my invitation.
And now, years after my 9th birthday, I still can’t have big parties. On my sweet 16 birthday I realized I don’t have friends. It wasn’t such a nice thing to realize alone in my room at 2am when I can’t sleep after a bad movie. But yes – I don’t have friends. Except for the ones that live on the other half of the earth. And yes – I have a best friend. But that doesn’t count, because she lived too far away so I could have screwed up our friendship, too.

Is the problem in me, or why don’t I have friends? I wish I had this whatever friend group, and I could like… be myself with them. We would do crazy stuff and have fun and just live our lives together. Maybe I need to change my attitude. Maybe I need to stop pushing people away from me. But I know that eventually, no matter how hard I try, I will push people away. I am not a good friend, I know it. But I just wish… I wish I had friends.