Universal death squad

She watched the stars move around her. Purple, lilac and blue constellations were looking back at her as the girl thought of the world. You could see the stars reflecting from her deep blue eyes. Her face was relaxed but you could see she was thinking very hard.

A small breeze threw her hair back, showing her ears that were full of piercings. She bit her lip and her face suddenly became darker, more focused. The girl turned around. She walked back to her spaceship. The dust of that small planet flew in the air behind her in small clouds.

She stepped in her ship and the door closed behind her. She walked to the cockpit and started the engines. She took off without a moment of hesitation.

“Fay”, said a voice behind her. Fay turned around and looked at her co-pilot. Thule was a tall, muscular, man. His skin was a mixture of brown and gold; he looked like the last ray of a sunset. Thule was in many ways almost a perfect opposite of Fay. Everything about Fay was cold; her lilac - lavender, as she always says - skin was cool and her hair was a mixture of blue, purple and maroon. “What, Thule?” Fay asked with a hint of frustration in her voice.  Thule shook his head and walked past Fay. He sat down in front of the control table.

“What?” asked Fay again, now raising her voice. Thule stayed silent, and so Fay sat down next to him. They flew across the sky. Millions of stars passed them, like little silver lights in the darkness. They flew past small planets and their moons. Somewhere in the distance was a black hole, eating away the beauty around them little by little.

After a while Thule looked at Fay. “What is it, Thule?” Fay asked once more. Thule took a deep breath. “You know you couldn’t save them”, he said with a voice full of pain, “You know there was nothing you could have done”.  Fay refused to look at Thule. She knew he was right, and she also knew that the second she saw his eyes she would burst into tears. Fay stayed silent. Her heart felt heavy; like someone had placed a stone on top of it. The pain was slowly suffocating her and she didn’t know what to do about it. There are only so many places where you can cry alone in a small spaceship.

They flew forward in silence. Fay bit her lip until it was sore. She excused herself and walked slowly and heavily to a lower deck. As she was going down the ladder the tears broke out. One by one small silvery teardrops fell down her cheeks, falling to the floor. Fay tried to stay silent – she didn’t want Thule to know she was crying. She knew Thule didn’t care, but Fay wanted to look strong in front of him. Fay was a soldier, just as he was. Setbacks shouldn’t be that hard on a soldier. Soldiers should be able to move on with their quests. They can’t stop, they can never stop.

Fay collapsed on the floor crying. She tried to tell herself that it wasn’t her fault, that it was a part of their mission. She wiped the tears away but more and more fell down her cheeks. Fay’s hands started to shake. She wrapped her arms around her trying to comfort herself. It didn’t help.

Suddenly Fay heard a vague noise above her. She looked up and saw Thule coming down the ladder. She quickly wiped the tears away, even though she knew it was no good. Thule looked at her and bent over. Fay looked into his eyes, knowing that her own were full of tears. Thule had beautiful eyes. They were golden with a hint of orange. Fay liked them. Not in a romantic way though, no. She admired them, like she admired everything beautiful that the universe offered her. Fay was thankful to the universe for letting her look into Thule’s soothing eyes every day. She knew she wouldn’t bear to be a soldier unless she had those little things making her life a little more bearable.

Thule didn’t need to say anything. They both knew – silence was enough. Fay’s tears slowly dried up leaving salty trays on her cheeks. She stood up with Thule’s help and they both returned to the cockpit. They set new coordinates and got ready for lightspeed. Stars became silver lines as the ship hurried to the next destination. They slowed down and a big, green planet appeared in front of them. “Is that it?” Fay asked. Thule nodded his head. Fay hesitated. “Are you sure? It seems like it’s full of life”, she continued. Thule looked at her and Fay could see her questions had raised a hesitation deep in him. They didn’t say anything for a while.

“That has to be it”, Thule says, breaking the silence. “General gave us the exact coordinates. We have to go on with our mission”. Fay could feel fear in her guts. It just didn’t feel right. “Well?” asked Thule with slight panic in his voice. Fay’s hands were sweating. She set the ship to land even though there was a little voice in her head telling her not to do it. As the ship landed Thule and Fay geared up. They took their grenades and machineguns and walked to the door. The door hissed like an angry cat when it opened. They jumped out into a forest that surrounded them. It was silent for a while. Only their own steps could be heard. Then they heard it – a click of a handgun somewhere behind the trees.

Thule signed Fay that he would check and she would cover him. They creep slowly to the direction of the noise. A loud bang echoed in the forest; the handgun had been fired. Thule loaded his gun. He took a step and suddenly the whole world burst into millions of little pieces. Sand and small pieces of green plants flew high into the air, covering Fay and everything around her. “Thule!” Fay shouted from the bottom of her lungs. Her ears started ringing. Fay lost her balance and fell on the ground. She could see armed rebels running in the distance. They were running towards her.

Panic filled Fay’s whole consciousness. She stood up with her shaky legs and tried to breathe. She looked for Thule on the ground but couldn’t find him. The rebels weren’t far anymore. They fired their guns at her. Fay ran back to her ship as fast as she could. Bullets pierced the door as it closed behind her. Fay ran to the cockpit and started the engines with shaky hands. The ship flew up to the sky.

Fay looked out of the window as the stars started appearing in front of her again. She was numb. The only thought in her head was Thule’s golden eyes. She thought of them and how she would never see them again. Thule would never look at her with those soothing eyes and she could never again find peace in them. Her legs failed her and she fell on the floor. General had lied to them. He had given them a suicide mission.

Fay couldn’t cry; she was too shocked. She just sat there looking into the distance. She sat there for a long time. The ship started alerting with a blinking red light when an asteroid cloud surrounded them. Fay didn’t react. She sat there on the floor. She didn’t care anymore. She had realised how corrupt the military was. They had sacrificed Thule without telling them. Fay sat on the floor when an asteroid hit the ship. She didn’t move even though she knew she would die. Finally the ship hit an asteroid, blowing up the ship. Small pieces flew into the air, slowly disappearing into the void.

Potilas No 5,799,429

Sydämen syke. Veri virtaa suonissani, mutta vain vaivoin. Tunnen, miten ahdistus leviää raajoihini asti. Tunto katoaa ensin sormistani, sitten kämmeneni muuttuvat turraksi. Yritän hengittää, mutta keuhkoni eivät toimi. "Juokse", kuiskaa ääni mielessäni. Puristan käteni nyrkkiin. En halua olla oman mieleni orja.
Lumihiutaleet ropisevat ikkunaan leijaillessaan alas taivaalta. Talven pimein ilta. Joulukuisen tunnelman rikkoo sairaalan loisteputkivalot. Silmiäni särkee niiden valossa. Huokaisen syvään. Sairaalan käytävä on lähes tyhjä. Potilaat tuijottavat apaattisina kaukaisuuteen.
Sydämeni sykähtää, kun ovi vasemmalla puolellani avautuu. "Potilas numero 5,799,429", sanoo mieslääkäri, jonka silmissä näkyy hitunen epätoivoa. Henkeni salpautuu hetkeksi. En pysty ajattelemaan selkeästi; ajatukseni kiirehtivät ohi niin nopeasti, etten saa niistä selvää.
Lääkäri kävelee luokseni. Hän kumartuu niin, että on kanssani samalla tasolla. Hän asettaa kätensä olkapäälleni sanomatta mitään. Kylmät väreet kiirivät selkäpiitäni pitkin. Kumpikaan ei sano sanaakaan, kun nousen täristen ylös tuoliltani ja seuraan lääkäriä tämän huoneeseen. Ovi painuu takanani kiinni ja tiedän olevani loukussa. Lääkäri yskäisee, ja istuu työpöytänsä taakse vakava ilme kasvoillaan. Puren hampaani yhteen,
"Mielialasi ei ole parantunut lääkkeistä huolimatta. Vaihtoehdot ovat vähissä. Oletko harkinnut osastohoitoa, potilas 5.799,429?"
Koko kehoni tärisee. Suuni on kuiva, enkä pysty puhumaan. Tuijotan lasittuneilla silmillä huoneen nurkkaan. Hiljaisuuden rikkoo lääkärin raskas, elämäänkyllästynyt, hengitys. Avaan suuni, mutten hetkeen saa ääntäkään ulos. Keskityn. "E-e-e-en. E-en ha-halua", änkytän ahdistuksen täyttäessä koko kehoni. Suljen silmäni hetkeksi. Yritän hengittää taas normaalisti, mutta se on vaikeaa. En saa tärinää hallintaan.
Lääkäri katsoo minua hetken., mutta kääntää katseensa sitten pöydällä oleviin potilastietoihini. Hän ottaa lasit pois päästään ja hieroo otsaansa kulmia kurtistaen. "Sinulla ei ole muita mahdollisuuksia. Voit joko mennä osastohoitoon vapaaehtoisesti, tai pakotamme sinut", lääkäri sanoo. Pudistan päätäni.
"Juokse", kuiskaa ääni taas pääni sisässä. "Juokse", se maanittelee. Taistelen vastaan, mutten yhtä kovasti kuin aiemmin. Lääkäri nousee ylös. Hän katsoo minua odottavasti, mutta pysyn paikoillani. "Juokse", huutaa ääni sisässäni. Tällä kertaa kuuntelen.
Nousen ensin hitaasti ylös. Katson lääkäriä tiukasti silmiin; sitten tönäisen hänet pois tieltäni ja juoksen ovesta ulos. Takanani kuuluu kiroilua, kun juoksen sairaalan käytävää pitkin. Potilaat eivät enää tuijota tyhjyyteen: he tuijottavat minua. He tietävät, että pakoyritykseni on turha. He tietävät, etten ole ensimmäinen, joka juoksee pakoon. En ole myöskään ensimmäinen, joka kieltäytyy hoidosta.
Askeleeni kaikuvat käytävässä, kun juoksen kohti ulko-ovia. Tönäisen oven auki, ja kylmä talvi-ilma tervehtii poskiani. Juoksen lumeen. Paljaat jalkani palelevat lumihangessa. Lunta sataa hiuksilleni ja sairaalakaavulleni. En pysähdy. En pysähdy, vaikka lääkärini juoksee raivoissaan perääni. Metsän reuna lähestyy askel askeleelta. Keuhkoihini pistää, mutta jatkan eteenpäin. Vilkaisen vielä olkani yli, ennen kuin katoan puiden siimekseen. Oksat riipivät poskiani, mutten välitä siitä. Kompastun puunjuureen. Lennän mahalleni lumeen. Ilma karkaa keuhkoistani ja näen tähtiä. Kompuroin takaisin ylös, en voi jäädä paikoilleen. Jalkani turtuvat kylmässä.
Kuulen huutoa takanani. Lääkäri on hakenut hoitajia avukseen. Pakokauhu ajaa minua eteenpäin kuin peuraa, jota yritetään ampua. Metsän toinen reuna häämöttää edessäni; puiden takana on järvi. Sen pinta on jäätynyt, mutta sen keskellä on sula kohta. Lääkäri ei ole enää kaukana takananani.
Puut väistyvät tieltäni, ja saavun järvelle. Epäröin hetken, mutta vain hetken. Tiedän, ettei minulla ole muita vaihtoehtoja. Joudun pakottamaan itseni liikkeelle, sillä en olisi halunnut asioiden päättyvän näin,
Juoksen järvenjäälle. Sen liukas pinta on pettää allani. Tunnen hienoisen rasahduksen, ja tiedän, ettei paluuta ole. Juoksen sulan kohdan vierelle. Käännyn ympäri. Lääkäri ja kaksi hoitajaa seisovat järven reunalla. He katsovat minua tekemättä mitään. Hekin tietävät, ettei mitään ole enää tehtävissä. Vedän syvään henkeä. Otan askeleen taaksepäin, ja kaadun sulaan. Kylmä vesi täyttää koko tietoisuuteni, enkä kykene hyvästelemään maailmaa, jota joskus niin kovasti rakastin.
"Kauniita unia, potilas 5,799,429", kuiskaa ääni pääni sisällä. Suljen silmäni ja hyväksyn kohtaloni.

The Doe

It was one of those nights again. One of those nights when I'd lay on my bed and think about my life. I had been looking at the ceiling of my bedroom for hours already. I had been tossing and turning the whole night. And yet I couldn't sleep.
  I sighed. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing. Lyrics of different songs were playing in my head. I tried to shush them down but they kept coming back to me. I opened my eyes, frustrated that I was unable to sleep once again. I got up and walked to my writing desk. I looked out of the window above the desk. It was a beautiful night; I could see the moon and the stars on the clear sky. The darkness outside looked so peaceful. On that moment I decided I needed some fresh air.
  I walked down the stairs and took my shoes from the lobby. Carefully I opened the front door. I didn't want to wake up my parents. They would have been devistated if they knew I'd sneak out again. As I stepped outside cold, crispy air met my cheeks and made me feel awake. I took a deep breath and closed the door behind me. I was only wearing a t-shirt and shorts. The cold wintery air made me shiver. But yet I wanted to take just a little walk.
  I headed towards a small forest on our backyard. I regrat not taking a jacket. The trees were covered in snow. It was quiet. I couldn't hear wind on the trees. I looked up on the sky like I could find an answer to the silence there. I was freezing in the forest. I didn't want to go back because I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway.
  I walked to a small frozen lake not far away form our house. It was so beautiful. A thin layer of snow on top of icy lake made it look tempting. I wanted to slide on it but I was too cold to move at all. I just stood there looking at the wintery forest.
  Suddenly a doe appeared from behind the trees. It walked on the other side of the lake. It was thin, fradgile looking even. The doe looked right at me. It walked towards me, on the icy lake. I held my breath; I didn't want to scare it away. As the doe came forward I took one small step. I kept my eyes on it and took another step. The doe stopped. I raised my hands to show that I wasn't going to hurt it.
”It's okay” I whispered. The doe looked at me and I could see the doubt in its eyes. I took another step. The doe didn't move. Slowly and carefully I walked to the doe. I was only a few feet away from it when it took a step back.
”It's okay, shh” I whispered to the doe. It kept its eyes on me when I took a few more steps. I was now right in front of it. ”See, I'm not hurting you” I said. I raised my hand to touch its muzzle. The doe didn't clinch away so I pet it for a while.
  When I was so cold I couldn't feel my hands anymore I thought it would be better to go home. I said goodbye to the doe and walked home. I slept well for weeks after that night.

That autumn day

It was the first cold day of that autumn. All the trees were turning red – it was beautiful. Cold wind was blowing fallen leafs around. The sky was dark grey. You could smell the upcoming rain. On that very day I met the love of my life.

I was walking home from work. It was getting dark. The streetlamps were slowly switching on, one by one. I took a sip of my pumpkin-spiced latte. Wind was blowing and it made my cheeks turn red. I tightened my scarf. It was so silent.

I couldn't see a young man walking towards me until I almost hit him with my latte.

“Oh I'm so sorry sir, I couldn't see you there. I was looking at the trees. It's so beautiful, isn't it?”

The man looked at me with a grin on his face. He nodded slowly and looked at me in a way nobody had ever looked at me before.

“It is indeed beautiful. Maybe not as beautiful as those hazel eyes of yours”.

I blushed. Was he flirting with me? I took a sip of my coffee and opened my mouth to say something, but I soon closed it again when I realized I had no idea what to say. I laughed awkwardly.

“So you live around this area?” the man asked. I told him I lived about two blocks away. He offered to walk with me, and as entranced of his charm as I was, I let him walk with me. We talked about the weather and he told me about his dog, Moriarty, who just loves playing with the leafs.

When we came to my house, I looked into his green eyes and wondered, whether he would be the type of man I could date with.

“So this is it”, I said, “This is my house. It was very sweet of you to walk me home. Thank you for that”. The man looked at me with his kind eyes and gentle smile.

“It was my pleasure”, he replied with that cute little grin of his. I took a step towards the door. I hesitated of a moment before asking him if he wanted to go out sometime.

“I would love to”, he said. A big smile on my face I turned around and unlocked the door. I wished good night to him before going in. But it was then when I realized I didn't even know his name.

“Oh wait!” I shouted, “What's your name?”

He smiled and replied: “Lets keep that a secret”. I was a little confused, but decided to agree to that. I was just about to close the door when I realized I didn't have his number.

“Wait, wait!” I shouted, “I don't have your number”. The man grinned and started walking away. He shouted over his shoulder “Yeah you do. I slipped it to your pocket!”.

That night I went to sleep wondering who the man was. It was exiting not to know anything about him. Except for his dog. I thought about the dog and wondered what kind of dog it was. I wondered if the man had adopted him or if he had had the dog ever since he was a child. I fell asleep thinking about the man's gentle smile. I fell asleep thinking he was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was right.  

Birthday

It was January once again. I was sitting in my room alone, as always. It was the 2nd. Friday. I was having such a normal day by myself. Watching my favourite television shows and eating chocolate. Still Christmas holidays. My school wouldn’t start until the 7^th. I was just normally watching Sherlock Holmes when it hit me. It would be my birthday next Friday.

 I love the idea of being 17 after a week. But, you know, I don’t even have friends. I have no friends to celebrate it with. And that is depressing as hell. My sweet 16 was sadder than a Grimm brothers’ story. I invited my crush, but he didn’t come. So as a stupid I-will-make-him-jealous-tactic I invited another boy. The boy was obviously into me, but I though he was just cute.

We went out to eat. I mean me, the other boy and three other people from my class. I got a few gifts, nothing special. It was such a bad birthday actually. At night I ate some puppy-pictured cake with my parents, watching world was z (which was a terrible mistake)

In general, my birthdays have been depressive as hell. It was my last birthday party ever, when I turned nine. It was maybe the worst birthday ever. I had to invite all my classmates and uh… it didn’t end well. All the bitches in my class totally ruined the atmosphere. I was trying to have fun, but they were bossing around and… well, it was my last birthday party ever.

For a few (many) years I just invited one friend to come over. I was so sick of my life so young… It makes me sad when I think of my life. Until I turned 16, I celebrated my birthday with my best friend. I wanted to do something big on my sweet 16 birthday. It all collapsed already when my crush said no to my invitation.

And now, years after my 9^th birthday, I still can’t have big parties. On my sweet 16 birthday I realized I don’t have friends. It wasn’t such a nice thing to realize alone in my room at 2am when I can’t sleep after a bad movie. But yes – I don’t have friends. Except for the ones that live on the other half of the earth. And yes – I have a best friend. But that doesn’t count, because she lived too far away so I could have screwed up our friendship, too.

Is the problem in me, or why don’t I have friends? I wish I had this whatever friend group, and I could like… be myself with them. We would do crazy stuff and have fun and just live our lives together. Maybe I need to change my attitude. Maybe I need to stop pushing people away from me. But I know that eventually, no matter how hard I try, I will push people away. I am not a good friend, I know it. But I just wish… I wish I had friends.

We Are All Dying

Sori, tekstiä pukkaa nykyään englanniks... Seuraava novelli on suomeks, lupaan sen. 

Tässä on paljo kirjotusvirheitä, koska mun englanti ei oo parasta mahollista. Toivon että saatte siitä kuitenki selvää. Kritiikkiä saa antaa.

We Are All Dying

We are all dying. Some of us are dying faster than the others. But we all, with no exceptions, are dying. Some people might find this depressing. To some people, it gives strength. No matter if you are healthy or badly sick. We are dying day by day. An hour by hour. On every second we are dying. There is no way to escape this truth. There is no other way than facing it. If we ignore it, we only cause harm for ourselves and our dear ones.

 I thought I was special. I thought I was one of the few people who were dying. But I wasn’t. I am not special in that way. I am just dying faster than some other people. I got a diagnosis of my cancer a few years ago. I was shocked, of course, as I got to know that I would die. That was a silly thought, because we will all die. I just didn’t think of it that way by then.

 I have grown as a human. I understand now that cancer-kids are not any different than healthy kids. You can never know when you will die. You might die tomorrow. If there is two kids – a cancer kid and a healthy kid – you can’t know which one of them will die first. It might be that the cancer kid will die tomorrow to her cancer. Or it might be that the healthy kid will get into a car-accident tonight. We can’t know.

 Treating “dying cancer kids” differently than healthy kids is kind of unfear. Of course this is only my opinion. It is understandable that cancer kids get more attention with their fatal disease, but healthy kids will die too. Healthy people will die too. We will all die.

  But perhaps I should now move to my story. My story… It is full of surgeries and doctor’s appointments. I won’t talk about my cancer, no. I will talk about my story. The story of my life is actually not much different from my friends. Except for the hospital visits. My story is just like anyone else’s – it is a story about dying day by day.

 I wasn’t such a good student in school. After my diagnosis it didn’t really matter, because my teachers pity me. Even if I skipped testes they wouldn’t say anything because “I was having hard times”. I did use this for my own good. I skipped classes so I could go out with my friends. I was actually a pretty bad kid. I didn’t smoke, no. My cancer didn’t allow it. But I did drink sometimes. Not every weekend, but sometimes.

 I remember one time I was outside with my friends. We went to a little harbour. It was our favourite place to spend time. We were sitting on the platform when the oldest one of us asked if anyone wanted to drink. He was Bryan, already eighteen-years-old. There was only six of us, and most of us were under aged. I was fifteen that time. My best friend, Milan, was sixteen. There was also Michael, Rose and       Dylan. Dylan was also sixteen, but Rose was seventeen and Michael eighteen.

 So Bryan and Michael walked back to Bryan’s car, as they wanted something to drink. I didn’t get my own bottle that time, but I could taste from my friends. They were kind of taking care of me, as I was the youngest one, and a cancer kid. My parents didn’t know they drink, but it doesn’t really matter.

 So the rest four of us were just sitting on the platform. We were looking at the waves, when Dylan suddenly said: “I wonder how it feels to be dying”. Milan slapped him quite hardly, as she thought I would get hurt of that little sentence. I grabbed Milan’s hand and said: “Hey, it’s cool. I don’t care”. Milan looked at me for a little while with her hazel-eyes. She nodded and I let her hand go. I looked at Dylan. He had brown hair and black eyes. I liked to look into his eyes, as they were so deep. “Dylan… It feels like you are already dead. I mean, I’m just waiting for the day when my lungs stop working entirely”.

 Dylan didn’t say anything, which is not a surprise. He just looked into the black water quietly. I let myself think of it from someone else’s point of view. I mean, it must feel hard for my friends that I am dying. I indeed was the youngest one. Maybe it annoys them sometimes, as they can’t do all cool stuff because of me. But did they really care? Did they care about me, or were they spending time with me because of pity? I honestly didn’t want to answer those questions.

 Bryan and Michael came back pretty soon. They bought some beer. Actually they bought a six-pack, but I still didn’t get my own bottle. Milan let me taste from her bottle, so I took a sup. Alcohol didn’t usually make us super criminals. We drank only one bottle for fun. Dylan drank faster than others, so he asked if he could get the extra bottle. Bryan and Michael were okay with it, so he took it.

 After a little while Dylan started to hum. It was one sad melody from an opera. He stood up and walked around the platform. He finished his beer with a big sup and threw the bottle to the water. We didn’t react in any way. We should have. Dylan walked further, all the way to the end of the platform. He sang loudly: “I look into the sea, so lonely”. Michael stood up and started to walk to Dylan.

“I look into the sea, deep down”, Dylan continued. Michael was on the half way of the platform when Dylan sang: “I am in the sea, death found me”. Dylan jumped down to the water. “Dylan!” Michael shouted and ran after him. At the end of the platform Michael jumped after Dylan to the black water.

“Oh my god!” Milan screamed. She stood up and ran after boys. I was shocked. I couldn’t breathe. Bryan’s blue eyes were wide opened. He stood up and ran. Rose looked at me. She was white. Her grey eyes were full of fear. “It’s ok Autumn, it’s ok”, she said. I couldn’t breathe. I tried to breathe through my nose, but I just couldn’t catch my breath. I saw Michael come up, alone. “Dylan! Dylan!” Milan shouted to the water. Michel took breath and dived again.

 I passed out. The next thing I remember is hospital. I was laying on my hospital bed when my parents ran in the room. “Are you okay sweety?” my mom asked. I was too weak to speak, so I nodded. I wasn’t okay. But I couldn’t tell that to my parents. I couldn’t tell them that my friends were drinking and one of them jumped into water trying to kill himself.

 Only family members were allowed in my room, so my parents told me that my friends were outside. They told me what happened. I mean, they didn’t know my friends were drinking, but they told me what happened after I passed out. Michael couldn’t find Dylan from the water. Rose called an ambulance for me and for Dylan. I had been unconscious for a day. Police hasn’t find Dylan’s body from the ocean. He was just gone.

Some time after Dylan’s death, the left of us went back to the harbour. Bryan had lit a candle to the end of the platform. We sat down and looked into the black sea. Dylan was our good friend. But still, none of us knew why he killed himself. His parents didn’t know. His friends didn’t know. Nobody knew why he did it. There was nothing. Not a note, no diary. Nothing. He was just all of the sudden dead, with no explanation. It was hard time for all of us. We had known Dylan for years. Michael knew him the longest. They had always been friends. They were like brothers. Two brown haired guys with black eyes. I actually thought they were real brothers when I first met them.

That was my first touch to death. It changed me. I spent more time at home, alone in my room. I thought a lot. Maybe too much. My parent’s didn’t bother me. They left me alone, thinking it would be better than forcing me to go outside. So I stayed in my room.

 My friends reacted differently. One night Bryan got drunk. He was at the harbour with Michael, drinking and trying to forget. I don’t know why he tried to forget. It would have been easier to except it and just live with it. But no… Bryan got drunk. He got angry at himself. He just all of a sudden decided to leave. “I’m going back home”, he said to Michael. “No”, Michael said, “I will drive you home. You are too drunk”. Bryan got angry, and pushed Michael down to the water. Michael disappeared into the water. Bryan ran back to his car. He sat down on the front seat, but didn’t drive until he saw Michael coming up from the water. Michael was wet and cold, because it was already October. He ran after Bryan, but he wasn’t fast enough. Bryan drew away, too fast and too carelessly. He got into a car accident.

 Bryan was lucky because he didn’t die. He got a crack on his skull, but he survived. He also broke his left leg and a couple of ribs. He was in the hospital for a month. But he was indeed lucky that he didn’t die. The other car, which he crashed, didn’t get so bad damage. The driver hit his head, but he was okay.

  Michael changed the most. He became quiet. Before he was joking all the time, but after Dylan’s suicide he was always quiet. I wonder what he thought on those times. Michael broke up with his girlfriend, which was not a surprise. He went to the harbour very often. Sometimes he took his guitar with him and played some songs that Dylan used to listen. We were all very worried about Michael.

 One day I went to the harbour. Michael was already sitting alone at the end of the platform. I walked all the way, carrying my oxygen tank on my back as it was too difficult to pull after me. It was the end of October. The wind was very cold and hard. I wanted to turn back, go back home and sit alone in my room. But I couldn’t leave Michael alone.

I sat down next to Michael. “Hey”, I said. He nodded. “How are you feeling?” I asked. He was looking down to the black water. “I’m ok. I guess…” he answered after a little while. His voice was deep and soft. I had always liked it. He turned his face to me and looked into my eyes. “What about you?” he asked. I sighed. I wanted to tell him the truth. I wanted to tell him that I felt bad as hell. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him, as he was feeling probably even worse. “I’m ok”, I said. He nodded. I knew he knew I wasn’t okay.

 We were both quiet for a long time. Dylan died right there. Right under our feet. Deep, deep in the water. “How did it feel?” I asked. Michael looked at me. “Huh?” he asked. I sighed deeply. I turned to Michael and said: “I mean, how did it feel to jump after him?” Michael closed his eyes. He shook his head. “It was terrible”, he said, “The water was cold as hell. It was so dark I couldn’t see him. I almost drowned by myself. It was just terrible. I swam and swam but I just couldn’t find him”.

 I nodded. I couldn’t imagine how it felt. I was kind of happy I passed out. I wouldn’t want to see Michael’s face when he got up from the water. I wouldn’t want to see that Dylan never came up from the water. He is still there. Police didn’t see it necessary to keep the area on sight, as the harbour was no longer in use. It was just a place for teenagers. Police did search for Dylan at day time, but in the evening the place was empty. Except for Michael.

 I moved closer to Michael, as the evening was getting colder. “Do you feel cold?” Michael asked me. I nodded. Michael put his hands around me. I smiled at him. It was the first time I smiled after Dylan’s death. Michael looked into my eyes and wishpered: “You have so beautiful eyes, Autumn”. I smiled even wider.

“I have kinda always liked you, Michael”, I wishpered. Michael smiled at me. He came closer to me. I put my arms around him. There we were, sitting at the end of the platform, in the wind and coldness. “I love you Autumn”, Michael wishpered. “I love you, Michael”, I answered.

 I could say we started dating. Our age wasn’t such a problem, as I turned to sixteen on November. I mostly went at his house. We watched movies and listened to music. Michael’s parents were happy that I kept company for their son. And my parents were happy I wasn’t such a lonely, depressed cancer kid anymore. I was more like almost happy cancer kid. And that seemed to be enough for my parents.

 Michael and I had a lot of fun sometimes. We did invite Rose, Milan and Bryan too, but mostly we were just alone. We didn’t go to the harbour anymore. Instead, we spent a lot of time in an abandoned carpet factory. It was a nice place to spend time. When all five of us were together, we used to tell horror stories and rumors.

 After the first snow of that winter fell, in the end of November, we all went to the harbour. We lit a candle for Dylan. Milan threw a rose in the water. It remain on the surface of the black water. We watched it float further from us. I walked away. I turned around and took a deep breath from my cannula. The platform was slippery from ice and snow. Michael walked just after me. He held my hand. “Are you ok?” he asked. I shook my head. I wasn’t ok. It was painful to go to the place where a good friend had killed himself. My lungs were hurting as hell and the cold air only made it worse. Michael put his hands around me and lifted me up. “Hey!” I screamed. He laughed and carried me all the way to his car. He put me down on the front seat and gave me a kiss on my forehead. “How about some Christmas shopping?” he asked.

 We drove to a mall. It was full of people. All the Christmas decorations looked a little annoying. Christmas songs were playing in the mall. The atmosphere was full of waiting. We walked across the mall, holding hands. People looked at us, or mostly me.

 It took long from us to find gifts for our friends and family. We spent more than two hours in the mall. Every once in a while I needed to sit down. It felt terrible that I couldn’t breathe well. I hate the feeling. But there is nothing I could do about it. I just have to live with it.

 Michael drove me back home. He walked me all the way to our front door. He took my face on his hands and looked me into my eyes. He shook his head with a beautiful grin on his face. He gave me a kiss on my forehead and said: “I love you, Autumn”. I smiled to him and whispered: “I love you even more”. He gave me a big hug.

 I asked him to come in for a while, but he said that he has to go back home. I nodded and opened the door. I smiled to him. “See you tomorrow”, I said before entering my home. My dog, Fluffy ran to me as I closed the door after me. I dropped all the bags on the floor and let Fluffy lick my face. Fluffy is a husky. Very cute boy. He ran around me so happily. I love Fluffy. He is my best friend, right after Milan. Fluffy always sleeps next to me. And if I am not home, he will cry in front of the door of my room. He loves me, I guess.

 I went in my room. Fluffy followed me all the way to my bed. I lied down taking a deep breath from my cannula. I let myself think. I thought of how different this world would be without me. How it would change my family, my friends. It won’t change the whole world. But it would change my parents’ world. They knew it would happen. They knew I didn’t have much time left. I thought of how my funeral would go. My friends and family in black. My body in a coffin. My pale skin. The tears on my parents’ face. Would they miss me? Would they remember me?

I celebrated Christmas with my parents. Michael was at our home on the Christmas Eve, but he stayed with his family on Christmas day.  We decorated the Christmas tree together. We ate ginger breads and drank hot chocolate. It was dark outside. White snow was slowly falling down from the black sky. It was so peaceful. I loved it. Michael gave me his present. He gave me a book. Actually my favourite author’s latest book. I gave Michael my gift. I gave him the latest video game that he so hard wanted.

 A few days after Christmas my cancer got worse. My lungs filled up with water, and I couldn’t breathe. My parents took me to hospital. I couldn’t breathe at all, and I was feeling like passing out. My parents were really freaked out. Eventually I did pass out, on my father’s arms. Doctors and nurses empty my lungs, but it didn’t help. I fell into coma.

 I was in a coma for a week. My parents were worried as hell. They barely left the hospital. Michael got worse. He locked himself in his room. They were all waiting that I would die. But I didn’t. On my seventh day of coma, I started hearing voices. I heard my parents talking, I heard nurses talking. I could hear my mother crying. Late at night I fully woke up. I opened my eyes, and the first thing I saw was my mother. “Mom…” I wishpered. Mother looked at me and sighed. She called the nurses in.

 I got out of the hospital a few days later. Michael was already waiting at our home, sitting outside in the cold weather. He gave me a big hug and a huge kiss on my forehead. “I was worried as hell”, he said. I knew he was. I was afraid of what Michael would do when I die. He was assuming I would die in the hospital, but I didn’t. I smiled to him. “Missed you babe”, I said as happily as I could. He smiled to me. I could see the worry in his eyes. I loved him, I really did. And I knew he loved me.

 That’s pretty much my story until now. It is just as anyone else’s story. Michael and I are still together. My cancer is remaining the same. But I am not thinking the same way anymore. I know now that we are all dying. I am dying, my parents are dying, Michael is dying. It is a part of our lives. I am trying to make sure I won’t waste my life.

-Emmi

The Beauty Of a Soul

Mä oon jo pitempään kääntäny mun novelleja suomesta englanniksi, kun mulla on paljon ulkomaalasia kavereita, jotka on kiinnostuneita mun novelleista. Eilen mä aattelin, et voisin kirjottaa yhen novellin ihan pelkästää englanniks. Mä en tiedä kuinka huonoo mun englanninkielen taidot on, mutta toivottavasti siitä saa jotain selvää. Enjoy.

The Beauty Of a Soul

Life is complicated. Sometimes it brings beautiful things in front of us. Sometimes we suffer. Life is so beautiful, and yet so unpredictable. Sometimes I wonder how people can live with such complicated rules. Once I saw a girl, who made me wonder, how people really see their lives by their own eyes.

This girl’s name was Sophie. She was full of questions, but the questions didn’t bother her.  She lived her life fully, if we can say so. Sophie was young. Not like others her age, but her mind was young as little child’s. Sophie had golden hair and big, wondering, green eyes. Sophie was not tall, but not short either. She was normal, if it is not unforgivable to describe her so.

One day Sophie was walking down a street, trying to reach home before dark. The streets were empty. It was getting dark. Sun had set many hours ago. Sophie knew she was late. She wasn’t supposed to be out so late. But she had to get home, so she walked as fast as she could.

Somewhere far behind was a man. The man was holding a gun. He was looking for a victim. The men like him are not like others. They disfigure their way of thinking, so it would be easier to kill people to get money for living. And yet this man was like anyone else. He had a heart. But he decided not to listen to the little voice whispering inside him. He was deaf to love and compassion. He didn’t see Sophie, until she coughed silently. The man smiled. He has found a victim. A victim, that would make him rich. People gets always the most money from young victims. The man started to run towards Sophie. Sophie didn’t hear him, until the man breathed on her neck.

“I found you”, the man whispered. Sophie sighed frightendly. The man held his gun on Sophie’s temple. Sophie was in shock.  She screamed, but the man covered her mouth. Sophie hit the man on his stomach, and ran. She ran as fast as she could. The man fell on the ground. He raised his gun and shot. The bullet pierced Sophie’s hip. Sophie fell on the ground. The street was full of blood.

Sophie woke up on my lap. “Where am I?” was her first question. “Where do you want to be?” I answered with a question. Sophie was quiet for a while. “Safe”, she whispered. Her innocence touched my heart. She was young, and she trusted me. Sophie lifted herself up. “I can’t feel any pain on my hip”, she wondered. “Of course not”, I answered. Sophie looked at me with no fear in her eyes. “Who are you?” she asked me. I smiled at her wondering face. “I am your guardian angel”.

“But you are a tiger”, she said. “Can’t tigers be guardian angels?” I asked. Sophie looked down, thinking. “I think yes”, she said. She smiled at me and stood up. “Why am I here?” Sophie asked. I didn’t answer.

“Come, I want to show you something”, I said kindly. Sophie walked behind me in pure emptiness. There was nothing around us. No colors, no shapes. No shadows, no light. It was empty. I stopped in front of a little cloud. The cloud was the only thing in this emptiness, besides us. The clouds surrounded us. Above us appeared a little whole. It was empty, until a little girl’s face appeared there.

“That’s me”, Sophie whispered. The little girl in the picture grew up. She looked more like a child by every second that flew by. Her eyes didn’t get serious. Her smile didn’t get sadder. Her hair got more golden all the time. But one thing was not good with the girl. Around her was all the time sisters and brothers and her parents. But the older that she got, the less family members was with her. Sophie’s face got serious for the first time in long time. She turned her head of the picture.

“Am I dead?” she asked me. She didn’t look at me. Her golden hair was on two, curly braids. “If you want to be”, I answered. Sophie tensed all of her muscles. “I miss my family”, she said pain in her voice. A little teardrop flowed down her red cheek. She turned around, showing me her sad face. “I miss them so much”, she cried.

“I know my child”, I said, “They are always with you”. I turned to right, and there, behind the clouds, was standing her family. “Ma”, Sophie whispered, ”Pa. You are here!” Sophie ran to her mother’s embrace. She cried. But not because of sadness. But because of love. Sophie’s mother kissed her forehead. “I love you ma”, Sophie whispered. Her mother didn’t say anything. Sophie took a step behind and looked into her mother’s eyes. “Never leave me ma”, she said. Her mother noded and let her daughter go.

Sophie walked back to me, knowing that it was time to make her decision. “I don’t want to die yet”, she said calmly. “Are you sure my child?” I asked her. She noded. And so we walked away. We walked in the emptiness. The clouds left behind. Sophie touched my fur. “It’s like silk”, she whispered. “Are you always with me?” she suddenly asked. Her mind was full of questions. She was innocent as an angel. “Always”, I said.

We came in front of a door. The door didn’t have a shape. It was a door to life. Sophie looked into my eyes. She touched my head with her soft hands and gave me a kiss on my forehead. She smiled peacefully and stepped in the doorway. She didn’t look behind. She was sure she wanted to live her life fully, as she had until that extraordinary day. I looked behind her. And I was sure she would make her life matter.